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08:49am 27/02/2018
  I don't know if you can see this. I don't particularly care.

Fuck you.

Genuinely, truly, with every fiber of my being i want to watch you suffer and fail in all things.

You spent YEARS convincing me you weren't going to leave, everything was going to be ok. You told me we had a future, you were everything i thought i could never deserve.

You left, you shipped me away on a train like a piece of fucking equipment.

I hope you live your whole life watching the strides I make. When i stand on the top of the world, when i look down and no longer know hunger, or strife while you grunt your way through a mediocre life with nothing to show for it i will smile above your ruins.

fuck you, Heidi.

See The Truth..

05:48pm 05/01/2016
  I finally see Heidi in less than 10 hours.  

See The Truth..

05:36pm 20/03/2015
  she always tells me how I'm her rock....what is a rock without the ground to rest against? this isn't missing her, this is feeling alone.

use this as fuel for the fire to make you harder and stronger, warrior...

See The Truth..

the desires of some men   
10:37pm 04/03/2015
  Some men want power, others gold. Some glory, others fortune and renowned....I just want my love in my arms after winning the national championship of rugby. Is that too much to ask?  

See The Truth..

07:27am 26/01/2015
  The most painful thing in life would be to loose Heidi. A close second is taking a hard shit with a broken face. Ow  

1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..

11:14pm 05/12/2014
  For some reason I feel unreasonably angry lately. I've called friends, no one seems to answer. I can't find my rugby kit, and when i do it's soured in the wash. Washed it again, had a good practice but still.

I wish bornof_thenight was here.

See The Truth..

10:16pm 16/11/2014
  it's snowing. fuck every inch of this bullshit.  

See The Truth..

01:35am 15/11/2014
  She is everything i could never have dreamed of. To wish for her to have been mine is to clutch the hem of the robe of an angel  

See The Truth..

11:04pm 13/10/2014
  I was born for the storm. A calm does not suit me.  

See The Truth..

09:20pm 02/10/2014
  I sure hope bornof_thenight likes all the socks i got her...  

See The Truth..

11:14am 29/09/2014

See The Truth..

Working out, working, and cars   
11:15pm 22/09/2014
  Well, just landed a new job. Yay. It'll be more money, more hours, and hopefully a better environment. If it goes like I pray it will, I'll be able to get my glock, hit the range on the regular and afford the good supplements and diet. Maybe even get a car. Don't get me wrong, i love my bike but this riding in the rain shit is getting old.

I'm missing bornof_thenight to the point of getting pissy. She needs the time off though. I love her though, just like talking to her a lot. Soon enough.

I'm sure as hell getting stronger and more cut. I'm excited to get back in shape.

Speaking of guns, if i can get my money right i might get a precision rifle. I'd really like to get my shooting back up, unfortunately ammo is fucking expensive.

See The Truth..

Job, bullshit, and Heidi   
12:31am 22/09/2014
  So i more or less got fired from my Job Saturday. That sucked. Got HAMMERED on Saturday night, which rocked. Talked to Heidi a lot, which was great. Might be able to move to my old store and I just interviewed for a new shop, so all in all i could be worse off.

I miss Heidi though. It's great talking to her and I'm so ecstatic that her parents like me. Seriously. Her dad is so cool (as far as i can tell).

Reading about bornof_thenight's wedding makes me profoundly sad. Not that I wanted to see her married (even though i had zero reason to, for whatever reason I was angry with her for dating. fucked it i know) but that she went through that. I'm still not clear on everything, but it still saddens and angers me to know she got hurt like that.

That's about all i have for right now.

Edit: Also this situation with ladydchaos is very, very interesting. Could lead to one of the greatest nights of my life, it could lead to the greatest story never told, could end up in a complete disaster and ruin but god damn I'm riding this crazy freight train to the fucking end.

1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..

vacations, skyrim, and progress   
11:51pm 17/09/2014
  I know bornof_thenight is on a much needed and well deserved vacation but it's still pretty frustrating for her to be out of contact. Kinda weird being on the other side of it, since this must be what it's like when I'm overseas. I miss her. My days off are mostly the same, jackassing around and furiously wanking (it's a cheap hobby, piss off) but it's not the same without her in the upper right hand corner of my screen. I'm rarely sentimental and even rarer for me to miss someone, but my heart pangs for her.

Gym is going good. My arms have EXPLODED and it's great. Plus I'm seeing definition on my core, and I've even got a butt now. Time to celebrate with Tuna.

Also, starting to help ladydchaos with her workout stuff, which is awesome. Gives me a chance to get to know her better, she's pretty cool.

Been on a weird musical kick lately, a lot of Natalie Merchant. Odd. I've also started playing Skyrim again, so there goes my free time. Stupid addicting viking game.

See The Truth..

10:59pm 14/09/2014
  Yes, i did go and do arms again tonight. Yes, I'm an idiot. Was good to see eddy again. Ow. I shall go die now

bornof_thenight I love you, i will you my dogs and my motorcycle as well as my Marine Corps battle flag, my Motorhead flag, my guns and my TV on the condition that my rifle and boots are burned with me to go to Valhalla.

In lieu of my much warranted death, just send tuna and candles. Scented ones....I have my reasons

See The Truth..

12:16pm 14/09/2014
  I've been eating egg whites, Tuna, whole grains, and gave up almost all of my sugars for a week. Or two. I forget. But Damn it, I don't have abs yet! This is bullshit.  

See The Truth..

Meta, Heidi, and lazyness.   
10:39pm 10/09/2014
  I have done absolutely nothing today, and it was amazing.

Diet wise i chowed down on two nutragrain bars, ate two bananas and drank some fruit juice. Not too bad, but i need to quit dicking around.

A kinda cool side effect of eating clean is learning to cook. Granted, it's just chicken and rice with eggs in the morning but still. One day I'd love to cook for bornof_thenight, as long as she doesn't get the idea that I'll be cooking for her more often then once in a blue moon/life time. Of course, saying that...I'm ALMOST willing to domesticate for her. Maybe....This woman has a profound effect on my mind and my goals. I'm not convinced she might not be a witch. Must burn her at the stake just to be sure....

It was amazing talking to her today, laying about and being a general loaf. Hid under blankets, cuddled dogs, drank protein, didn't gym today, was a general slouch until around 7 when i finally did some laundry and dishes. Muwahaha.

I also put sheets on my bed today. I recall crashing at my friend Charles' house the other night to help him move. We both crashed in his bed, each had one beer (he took a muscle relaxer because he hurt his back) and went to sleep at 10. Our friends are getting excited about having babies. People come to me for advice, and i can sign property out of jail. Did i some how become an adult?

1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..

iron, struggle, and victory   
11:16pm 09/09/2014
  Second day of eating clean and training. I already feel more powerful, stronger, more energetic. I can feel my mind getting centered again as well. My fears and doubts are washing away.

I have survived things i still cannot speak of to this day. I have climbed mountains, claimed victory and tasted defeat innumerable. I'm loved and in love with the most beautiful woman I've ever even seen, much less been privileged to see. Doubt and fear are the problems of lesser men.

I'm young, I'm skilled, and I'm at the top of my game. I can handle this...

In the more mundane side of this update; It was really good talking to bornof_thenight today about nothing of importance. I really wish i could afford to give her driving lessons, Not too keen on her having to take the train everywhere. Also, it's great that i connect with her to the point that we can joke about farting, parents finding nudes, and the general weirdness that comes with life. she brightens my day, and i love her more then tuna. Hell, even when i hear her just using my name in casual conversation it makes me smile. Jeeze, she's turning me into such a girl.

See The Truth..

Work, women, and self image.    
10:50pm 08/09/2014
  Day 1 of eating clean. thus far no real issues. I can also feel myself going into a down cycle mentally, but I'll address that later.

Excited to get back in to training, get back in the work and get back into the fight. At least to get behind the iron or something.

Mentally I can feel myself getting into a down cycle. Depression is looming, so I'll probably be whiny a lot more. More and more fears are clawing at my brain; Contract fell through, clearance revoked, you're gonna get evicted, you'll never get back in shape, Heidi's getting bored and tired of waiting for you to get over, She'll see you like you see yourself and the dream that never was is gone. In reality, i know most of that is likely to not happen (the woman has the patience of a fucking saint. Seriously, they should name churches after her) but that doesn't help much.

It's probably the sitting around and waiting mostly. At least bornof_thenight is patient

See The Truth..

Diet, training, and the terror of relationships   
09:55pm 07/09/2014
  Not much to update but i suppose I'll give it a go.

Going clean tomorrow. This is gonna suck, but it'll be good. I need my abs back. Hell, i need to get serious with my training. No more junk food, no more fucking around. Gym. Range. Work. Heidi. Life.

Might be getting a new job. Interview Wednesday. On the one hand, I'm excited, on the other I'm not sure if i want to put a year of work behind me with a differnt company. Then again, you have to change to grow.

Not much either. Was great seeing bornof_thenight tonight

Edit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSvOTw8UH6s this song makes me think of her, every time.

1 Open Eye ? See The Truth..